my teeth hurt

When my teeth start to hurt this is always a bad sign. This means I am stressed, and repressing the stress, and grinding my teeth. I notice myself doing it at the oddest times- times when I am “relaxing”. I learned a trick to put my tongue between my back teeth to stop myself from doing it- but it still happens involuntarily when I sleep. So I’m officially stressed out: my teeth hurt.

The stress is a result of several things I’m sure. Simon’s sleep schedule is off, and he’s been acting a little crazy lately- or just becoming more “himself” I’m not sure which. He doesn’t want his diaper changed, he wants to flip over, mid-wiping-poop-off-swipe and crawl away. He gets tremendously angry over diaper changings in general the past few days. And he’s waking up a few times in the morning (we think due to the birds outside his window) and forcing me up an hour earlier than usual. None of this is bad- just different and moderately troubling. However, when combined with planning for our first trip away from him (this weekend, we go to NYC) and preparing to leave one job and go to another…well this all ends up as stress in my jaw and mouth.

I am so excited for our trip but completely freaked about it as well. We’re leaving for a long weekend and Simon is staying with my parents- who I’m sure will be great with him. It’s still hard to do. I’ve not woken up ONE MORNING since he was born and not had him there. I’ve not gone to sleep without him (at the very least) in the next room.  It is hard to think about him giving that million dollar morning smile to someone else besides me. I know that’s selfish but hey, I like to think that’s my smile. It’s a smile especially for mom, right?

In addition to counting in my head how many meals I have to prepare and freeze, bottles to pack, clothes, pacifiers, blankies, teething toys, socks, diapers, etc. I am just nervous about his schedule, how he’ll nap, how he’ll sleep, what if his teeth cut through? What if he decides to try to walk or something? I don’t want to miss it. Logically, we’re only going to be gone for 4 days. But love is not logical. And the what-ifs are making me crazy. Exhibit a) I have printed out numerous forms in case anything would happen to him/us while we are gone. Power of Attorney forms and a Guardianship appointment, etc. Exhibit b) I printed out the emergency numbers in my parents’ hometown so they know them should they need to call, as if my parents didn’t have four children of their own at some point. Exhibit c) Tonight I hand wrote a letter to give to Simon should anything terrible happen to us and I can’t stop thinking about all the things I’m leaving out.

WHO IS THIS CRAZY PERSON POSSESSING ME?! I am laid back, I am go with the flow, flexible and capable. Why am I freaking out in my head bad enough to grind my teeth down to the nubs?

It has to be the combination of the upcoming professional change in jobs. I’m going to blame it on that because I don’t know what else to think, and because I don’t want to be a crazy mom. I really am a little stressed about it though- mainly because I’m excited and thinking about all the things I need to do in preparation for that job…but I still have my current job where I need to tie up loose ends before I leave. And I’m just scared in general since I’ve been in a safe library place for the last 4 years and haven’t worked anywhere else. I think a little bit of apprehension and freakoutedness is expected at this point, right? God I hope so.

At any rate, I’m reduced to writing a rambling blog post that further illustrates my completely insane stream of consciousness right now. I can also blame hormones I suppose.

Great. Now I’m freaking out about what to pack for MYSELF. Quart sized bag, liquids, clothing, comfortable shoes, a dress? jacket? Shit.

Alright I should go to bed since the boy will likely wake up several times before finally getting up at 6am and tomorrow I work late.

I can do this.

We will have a blast.

We won’t spend the entire time wondering what Simon’s doing.

I should’ve taken an extra day off just to love on him when we get home.

Thank goodness I have some time off booked between jobs. I think I’ll need some decompression and perhaps a massage or facial treat to relax myself before my new venture. And I’ll use a couple of those days for just squeezing my boy and telling him I love him.

Good night all.

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Work

So I’m at work 20 minutes early. Simon was fading fast at home and rather than have him fall asleep, then wake him up to put him in his carseat all cranky, I got him to the sitter a little early so she could have him sleep there.  Once I dropped him off I realized that I too could use a nap. Driving to work I reminded myself the same thing I’ve been reminding myself for a few weeks now: you need to write a blog about being a working mom. There are so many things I have to say about it. Much more than I have time to mention here. HOWEVER– in broad strokes:

Being a working mom is hard. I don’t doubt for a MOMENT that being a stay at home mom isn’t as hard in different ways. But being a working mom makes the time that I spend with Simon…special. I want to play with him as often as I can. Sure, it infringes upon my own “free time” but I will spend an hour on the floor watching him roll from side to side because I know he’s got to go to bed soon…and then I’m off to work only 20 minutes later…ugh. My mom didn’t work. I often wonder how she didn’t lose her mind. FOUR kids. FOUR. And she was trying to keep the house clean (for the record I gave up on having a clean house on August 7th 2009).

Technically I only spend 37 hours a week at work (or that’s what I get paid for). Add another hour per day for lunch…and then the hour getting there and back (half hour each way) that’s 47 hours. Then a half hour of talk time and getting ready/dropping off at the sitter time…it all adds up to be quite a bit of time surrounding work.work.work. I’m lucky that I don’t THINK too much about work (in a negative way) outside of work. So I can easily focus on my family…but still. It’s a lot of time.

All of that being said, I went to school to have the job that I do, and I love it. It’s the most fulfilling work I’ve ever done, and I truly feel lucky every day for having the job that I do. Days go fast, I learn something new every day. The basis of my job is to provide EQUAL service to everyone, which forces me to be open, reminds me to be non judgmental (doesn’t always work) but I am constantly amazed by the mini-ah-ha moments I have each and every day. I love it.

At the same time, being in the library also exposes me to the moms that don’t work. I’m sure some of them didn’t make this choice, it’s what they have to do. It doesn’t stop me from sometimes wishing I had that option. Maybe not full time at home mom, but part time at home mom, that would be nice. I see the toddlers running around and their obviously exhausted mothers running after them. I know they have to be tired and part of them has to wish they had more time with adults. Still though, the grass is always greener on the other side.

I’m lucky to have some mornings a week with Simon, and I’m lucky that he doesn’t have to be in day care or with a sitter as much as a lot of other kids/babies do. I still get jealous of the sitters, jealous of the at home moms, and then am appreciative of the time I have at work doing GOOD work. It’s just so back and forth.

We’re not destitute. Many people live on one of our salaries. I have student loans to pay back, so it’s not an option if we wanted one of us to stay home..but even if that were the case, I know some people do it because they believe it’s the best thing for their kid…for one parent to be home. Maybe it is, I don’t know.

But I do think that I’m a better mom because I have my work-life. It’s finding the right balance and striking that chord that makes everything work out ok so far. I hope we’re doing the right thing…but for now I think we are.

Not entirely baby related

So I recently (as of Monday) switched jobs. My title is the same, but the location has changed. And with the location change, a million other changes have also happened. And I would like to state for the record, that having a baby (particularly a “surprise!” baby) will prepare you for any other change in the world I think. My resume states something saying how I “actively handle change” in a positive way…and I don’t know if that was entirely true until now. Strange how personal life changes can effect your professional life, huh.

Before/Right when I got pregnant, I wasn’t very happy in my job. I think a lot of it had to do with my own misconceptions of what was going on, and another big part of it had to do with hormones and just being pissed off about my entire life situation. I needed something to be frustrated with, so I picked work. I didn’t feel like I could change anything and I felt stuck. That’s the worst feeling in the world. I truly don’t think it was the job so much as my own personal outlook on everything at the time. My negative feelings in general (at home) seeped into the other major part of my life (work) and it was contagious and toxic negativity. I feel bad for people who had to be around me for 9 months. I was miserable, and I know it. The people I worked with accepted it, and were still great to work with despite my suckiness. They didn’t fire me. They probably should have. I couldn’t see any light at the end of any tunnel. I have to assume that my boss saw that it wasn’t really ME being that way, because they let me stick around and even threw me a party. I mean, how freakin’ lucky can a person get?

The “jist” from what I can tell, starting with pregnancy and ending…well never I guess, is that as soon as you get used to one thing, get into the groove and know how to handle it- it changes. It was so as my belly grew larger, as my maternity leave ended, and as the child goes from a cold, to possibly teething, to lordknowswhatelse can go wrong or throw a wrench into your day to day plans. I knew that having a baby would change my outlook in that my priorities would shift- however I had no idea how it would make my tolerance level for BS get higher, how envious I would be of mothers at storytimes with their babies, how quickly I can jump into a task- AND how quickly I can forget what I was doing just 5 minutes prior. Everything’s different now- at work and at home, and I like it.

The new location has given me more responsibility in certain respects, and less in others. And I have to say that it’s also given me a new (even better) impression of the organization for which I work- because I see how they really do want their employees to grow and learn, and to not get bored. They want us to feel challenged, and that’s part of the reason I went into the field of Library Science. However, I know that not all libraries hold lifelong learning in the same regard that our organization does- and for that I’m truly thankful. Additionally, I’m getting to know more people and it’s like I can FEEL the synapses in my brain firing more often- or at least building new connections as I learn new things…not just the what and the where- but the HOW. I like that. I like what I”m doing. It’s different, it’s challenging, and I know it’s not permanent. Nothing is. However, I’m so thankful for the opportunity to grow with this organization and really understand how people end up staying with it for as long as they do. Things change. And if you can handle the changes and learn from them, it makes you a better person.I honestly feel that this organization cares more about their staff than most any other place I’ve worked before (Starbucks being another one). When an employee feels valued, they stick around, and they stick things out. I feel like they care. So even if they don’t, I feel like they do- so I’m going to learn as much as I can wherever they need me. How’s THAT for flexibility?!

So for the last three days I’ve been doing something completely different. It’s not easy, and I feel like the new kid at school. I’m nervous and I over analyze everything I said and did at the end of each day with the kind of nervous self consciousness that I’m not used to- but it’s good. I feel like I’m learning and changing. I feel like I’m outside the hamster wheel and feeling my way around. I get to ask questions and make new friends. I hope they like me.

So after these days when I’m nervous and anxious and wondering if soandso is mad because I didn’t notice the ruckus first, or if soandso thinks the comment I made was rude or inappropriate…I come home to my family and tell Gabe all the things I learned, and I play with Simon, and then eventually my head hits the pillow for a few hours before the baby wakes up and needs me.

It’s a good life I’ve got right now. And not a day goes by that I don’t sit and appreciate that. Sure, things piss me off now and then, and I’m not on cloud nine or anything like that- but I can’t say that I would change anything for now. Even the weather hasn’t gotten me down because being trapped at home is the best place to be trapped in my opinion.  So I just wanted to note that Changes Happen, and I handle them better than ever, and I’m everso thankful that I’m getting the opportunities I’m getting in my work. Part of me thinks that 2010 might just be my year.

Ever have one of those days?

Have you ever had one of those days where you feel incredibly awkward all day long and can’t really explain why? Like your skin doesn’t fit right and everything you say comes out wrong and your ears turn red from being embarrassed for the weird $hit that comes out of your mouth? And then it just gets worse with each passing hour? And you keep thinking about all the stupid stuff you did, or how you rolled over on your ankle in the parking lot of CVS because you’re not used to wearing shoes that aren’t flip flops or crocs….

That’s the kind of day I had…an awkward feeling one. One where I get all paranoid about my job and start thinking of all the things I should/could/want to/will do in it. So bizarre.

Anyways- WE FOUND A SITTER!!!!

A friend of our neighbor who has watched Simon the last two days has offered to help us out on Wed. and Thurs. and she’s IN GRANDVIEW and I met her today and just really liked her alot. I felt really good about her. AND she will have Simon only one day a week- that’s like pure one-on-one sitter/baby time. The other day she has 2 other little ones who come and I met them and they are adorable and fun. I’m so relieved. And she fell right into our price range. So even though it will be a “weird” schedule for Si, I feel good about our two sitters. One close to home, one close to me at work- and both of them make me feel like they really could fall in love with Simon– which is what moms want. I want someone to fuss all over my kid. Sorry, I just do.

So that was a good start. What preceeded the good start was SLEEP. Simon woke up at 4:30am and 7:30am. He woke up so late (I get the second + feedings) that I didn’t have time to shower this morning. So tomorrow I work again- and I have a lot to do before getting out the door with both of us and that’s a little stressful- BUT…then I have two days off in a row. And friends are coming into town. And we’ll have successfully made it through our first week of full time working parenthood.

Which I think should call for some sort of celebration in the next few weeks. Anyone up for a happy hour??? hehehe

whoa what happened

A lot has happened. My mom helped us out with last week’s first workweek back- and she bonded with Simon and enjoyed the afternoons with him. It was so wonderful to have her here in my house so I could feel great leaving and coming back- knowing he’d been cuddled and played with all day long. Plus she over-did it with lots of presents and groceries (OMG so many groceries!) and to top that off had a Gingerbread cake warm on the stove and all of my laundry done and folded on the bed when I got home on Thursday evening.  All of the laundry was folded on our guest room bed in little piles – towels here, socks here, Mandy shirts here, Gabe’s shirts there. There is something about how my mom folds laundry that makes me feel all warm inside. Like, a homey feeling…probably because she did laundry all my life and for the latter part that I lived in her house she was yelling at me to PUT IT AWAY (I hate putting away laundry). But the fact that she did all of our laundry for us while she was here made me smile for days as I let it sit in piles on the bed in the guest room (because I’m an adult and I can do that now).  It’s funny how the way-mom-does-things can make you feel like a kid again and all cozy inside.

Like when she worries sick over us being ill….because…

Gabe and I both ended up getting a terrible horrible flu. It very well probably was THE flu. It was AWFUL. For me, it started with chills that would not go away. I’ve never been so cold in my life. For Gabe it started with a headache and then cold sweats. With either of us, the other had to care for the baby on our own, which gave us both a taste of single parent-dom and I think a new appreciation for the other. Something I DON’T recommend: getting any sort of illness while lactating. It is extremely hard to stay hydrated when you’re sweating out a fever, and then trying to milk yourself every 2 hours so the baby gets the antibodies..all the while wishing you could breastfeed because dammit we JUST got the hang of this thing…ugh it was pretty terrible. I was leaning over the breastpump and truly thought it was sucking out my life juice. I felt energy depleting with each pump. Ugh. I kept trying to chug Gatorade and whatnot but anyways- after about two days of sickness/fever/death I recovered in time to go to our concert.

I bought Gabe and I tickets for a concert to see Andrew Bird for Gabe’s birthday in September, and we’d arranged for Uncle Brett and Aunt Kristen to come babysit (and cousin Gunner). I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to hear your sister-in-law say, “OH HE’S JUST PERFECT!” because you know what, I agree! And then to see Simon’s face when they walked in…full of smiles.  He seemed to know who they were and that they were here to have fun with him. It makes it much easier to go away for a few hours when you know the people watching him love him so much.

We started our date night off with dinner at a new place we hadn’t been to before, Level in the Short North. A friend of ours’ sister is the chef there- and we wanted to try it.  It was really good- like exceeded expectations good. The atmosphere was fancy-ish (for us) and we had the following: Crab-stuff mushroom caps appetizer, then I had bacon-wrapped grilled BBQ shrimp skewers with grilled green beans and rice pilaf– um YUM! And Gabe had buffalo-fried ravioli, which he loved. He added on a salad that he said was “Top Notch” because it was mostly bacon and bleu cheese- not at all a “healthy” salad but one that pleased him nonetheless. Throughout the dinner I kept looking around and thinking about how important I think Date-Nights are going to be. It’s so much easier to enjoy them when family is in town- Gabe’s or mine. We actually had a conversation that wasn’t about my nipples or having babies, or money. I don’t remember what we talked about but I do remember looking at Gabe across the table and laughing and smiling and enjoying our time together- which is something I really needed.

After dinner we still had an hour before the show so we went to the Elevator Bar and I had a GINORMOUS glass of wine. By the time we were leaving this place (about 7:55) I was wondering how I would stay awake for the show.

The concert was amazing.  It was at the Southern Theatre, which is a theatre I LOVE in downtown Columbus. We were in the nosebleed section but it was still an amazing experience. The first band, St. Vincent, was pretty cool to0- with a light show to go with their trippy music. Andrew Bird is a freaking musical genius in my opinion- really really cool and a one-man show that was unlike anything I’ve ever seen.

But the best part of the show was when Gabe put his hand on my knee and I felt like a real couple again for a few hours instead of these two maniacal parents wondering how we’ll ever have our shit together enough to convince Simon we’re worthy of having him.

So we had a good time.

The following day I had to be out the door by 8am to get Simon to the sitter and myself to work on time and BOY OH BOY that’s interesting. I seriously have 5-6 bags o’shit. 1 bag for the Pump. 1 diaper bag for the sitter, 1 diaper bag for me (I don’t know why I brought that one), 1 purse that is entirely too big, 1 bag of stuff I need for work. Let’s not forget the boy, who was swaddled tightly in his carseat with Sleep sheep. I thought he was going to fuss the whole way to work but instead he passed out.

Of course I don’t have any pictures because I was too frantic trying to get everything ready and out the door on time. Thankfully my sitter on Tuesdays and Fridays is also a photographer- BONUS! so she took “first day” pictures and I’ll be able to order some if they’re any good.

Ok I think I better go and finish getting Si ready for the day.

10 weeks old

Dear Simon,

So much has changed in the last 10 weeks I can’t even begin to adequately explain it all here. You’re no longer a blob of newborn baby – who will sleep most of the day on whoever wants to hold you. You’ve started to grow and grow into this full-blown baby- one who now makes new noises with purpose and then looks at us to see if we’re paying attention. (We are.) You will sometimes sleep for 3 hours straight (during the day) and then wake up so hysterically happy (after you’re fed of course) that I wonder if there isn’t some form of drug or residual alcohol from my partying days  in my breastmilk because you act insane. You move your arms and legs experimenting with the world around you and you seem pleased when you can get your hands to do something. For example- just this morning you were playing with your hands, staring at them in front of your face. Then suddenly you grasped onto your Nuk, pulled it out of your mouth and smiled as if you’d accomplished something great. I acknowledged this feat of course but then had to laugh as you realized you no longer had your Nuk in your mouth and getting it back in there wasn’t going to be as easy as pulling it out. These things take time, grasshopper.

In the last two weeks you’ve decided you DO like breastfeeding- so much so that your mouth makes the little I-wanna-eat face everytime you look at me- which is funny to see. It’s so strange how this breastfeeding thing has evolved so quickly and so near the end of my maternity leave. Now I’m really confused about when to pump and whatnot because I’ve been so ecstatic that you finally wanted to breastfeed and I have to go back to work. Bad timing, Simon. I’m confident we’ll figure something out. I’ll get it all down pat.

Yesterday was a big big day as you went to the sitter for the first time and I went to work for the first time. I was only there for 3 hours. I felt really good about leaving you with Cheryl, the sweet sitter who’s agreed to watch you two days a week. She knew just how to bounce you and you seemed oblivious to my leaving. I didn’t mind much because it was only for a short time. Next week will be much harder since I will be working full time and having to leave you there all day will be tough.

My experience back at work for the first day was ok- different. It is really hard to see the world and your work the same way when your priorities shift as much ours’ have since your arrival. I mean- a lot of things that seemed REALLY important before, seem insignificant now that you’re here and my #1 priority. It’s just weird. I wish I could work part time forever and stay with you most of the time. I hope you know that. (I’m also going to say that higher education is well worth these kinds of sacrifices you have to make down the road– so don’t ever let the burden of student loan payments stand in the way of going back to school if you want to. I mean, it sucks that I have to work right now to pay them back but it’s worth it. Your Grandpa Simon says that “Education is always a good investment” and I agree with him.)

We still have to go get more bloodwork drawn but hopefully this will be the last time for a while. The endocrinologist thinks you’re fine- and that the earlier thyroid tests were just a fluke and possibly my problem, not yours’. So we’re not too terribly worried. I hate watching them poke you with needles so I am not going to go do that by myself. I am going to wait for your dad to go with us so I don’t pass out or vomit when they poke around in your arm or hand for a vein.

Right now there is this awful flu virus going around called H1N1 and it’s really bad for old people and babies, and people with underlying conditions like asthma and stuff. Your dad and I haven’t been feeling great and have had some sort of virus the past few days so Dad hasn’t been able to hold or feed you. We’re constantly rubbing antibacterial stuff on our hands and trying not to breathe on you or kiss you on the face as much. My throat has hurt so I haven’t been talking to you as much as I do when it’s just the two of us and I hope it’s not hurting your feelings. You kind of look at me like, “Hey- aren’t you going to sing me the good morning song?” And trust me son, it wouldn’t be pretty if I tried.  It is very hard for your dad not to hold you though. He looks at you from across the room and it’s kind of sad and cute because he looks like crap because he’s sick but he still wants to play with you and hold you. AND- young man- the last two nights you have slept in your own room because your dad is sick and I don’t want you to get whatever-he-has. And you have woken me up EVERY HOUR. This is really not ok. I mean, you’re a newborn I get it – we’ve been spoiled with you so far but every hour? Your room is way far away from our room and it’s starting to get chilly at night and whoa it has been a tough two nights being the only one getting up to check on you. It’s made me really thankful for your dad and for how much he helps take care of you. I know a lot of other kids aren’t so lucky. I am also anxious for him to get better and wondering if I’ll have you sleeping back in our room again or if we should just keep on trying you in your own crib/room. You just seem so little for that….we’ll see.

We’re still looking for someone permanent for Wed/Thurs. while we’re at work. We have a few in-between people who have offered to help us out, but no one who’s said, “Sure I’ll commit to it every week.” We’d like to find someone who will come to our house- like a college student or something like that. We’re still looking for a good fit. This week, Grandma Simon is coming to help. I’m glad she’s going to have the time alone with you to get to know you better.

Some of my favorite things you do these days: nursing- the way you act after you’re done eating, watching you hear your dad’s voice when he enters a room, smiling, ALMOST laughing, how taking a bath immediately relaxes you, how you start to lay limp in my arms when I rock you to sleep at night, dressing you in adorable outfits and taking your picture, watching you grow.

I am so very anxious and love watching how you change from one day to the next. I have to slow myself down and not let myself wish you into a grownup yet. Because even though I can’t wait to see how you turn out- I know that once you get there I’ll miss how your tiny head fits in the crook of my elbow, and how I have to lift up three rolls of skin under your chin at bath time. I don’t want to wish all that away, but I do want you to know how much more exciting each day is because you’re in it. I love you so much, think you’re the cutest, and have to go now because you’re starting to wake up.

Love,

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Life is funny

In the last week, we have had all sorts of friends and family in from out of town- visiting and loving on Simon and hanging out with us and we’ve enjoyed every minute of it. Of course, having something-to-do every day in the week before I start back at work has made the past week fly by so fast that I considered writing down all the stuff we did- but now realize I’ve forgotten about half of it. All I know is tomorrow I go back to work and even though I”m only going part time- it still feels incredibly funny. I have a baby now- I have larger work-clothes- I am still supposed to be this librarian who works in a library but….well my priorities have OBVIOUSLY changed somewhat.

Other funny things that have happened:

Simon has decided he prefers the breast to bottles. Funny guy. Doesn’t breastfeed until he’s 8 weeks old and then at 9 weeks (the week before he’s to be left with a sitter) decides to treat bottles as though we’re choking him. Also does not like nipple shield (previously the only way he would breastfeed).  He also treats my nipples as chew toys. There has to be a happy medium here somewhere- I’ll find it….somehow.

Gabe and I both became sick as soon as everyone left town and we have our one last day to enjoy with the baby. Gabe has a fever and a headache- I have a chest cold. I coughed up stuff that was way worse than anything I ever coughed up while smoking or quitting smoking. Gross. Now I don’t know what to do for the chest cold since I’m now breastfeeding- argh. I guess its just hot showers and tea for the time being. With Gabe also feeling ill- I woke up with the baby both times last night- which made me want to throttle Gabe in the moment. I mean- I’m sick too! We’re both just lucky the baby isn’t sick. Which- that will happen later in the week when he’s with the sitter and I’ll probably cry at work wondering how we’ll all live through what is probably a regular old cold virus and the very tip of a lifelong iceberg of ongoing illnesses to ensue as we go from babysitter to babysitter. But in the meantime- I’m sick/gabe’s sick- and I’ve been handwashing nazi since the baby was born- glaring at anyone who got within an arms reach of the baby who I noticed didn’t slather on hand sanitizer or wash their hands. Now we are both sick- am I supposed to not touch him? It’s already pretty funny to see him react to my weird non-voice. I can’t do the high pitched mommy-noises to him and I certainly can’t sing the songs we normally sing. Ugh let’s just hope this passes quickly.

It hardly seems fair that I have to go back to work now that Simon’s a) learning to breastfeed and b) starting to really be funny and react to us and smile and “talk”.  Now he’s finally getting to be more fun than the regular newborn who just lays around and wails when they’re wet/hungry/tired. Now he has specific cries- I can tell when he’s tired and bored or hungry. And now I have to pass him off to some stranger to figure him out. Sucks.

We still have not found someone for Wed/Thurs. I don’t know what we’re going to do. We have two leads. Neither have confirmed. My mom’s helping out this first week but I don’t know what we’re going to do after that. It really pisses me off because it’s a job I would love to take- if someone were offering it to me. We were already turned down by someone I thought was a “family friend” who doesn’t have any other source of income on those days. Stupid. So once again- if you know anyone who would watch our baby from 12-6:45 on Wed. and Thurs. each week- let us know. Sigh.

I was going to write a letter to simon here, but I think I”m going to wait a while and really think about what I want to say.