at the baby’s room.
You can see the cloud decals on the wall now- and his little shelf is getting full of toys and whatnot. We’re probably going to have to find a new place for books since I haven’t even bought the books I want to buy him yet and already we’re running out of room. we’re looking into other options for book-shelving, but in the meantime we’re in love with the monkey book-ends so they’ll stay on top of the shelving unit for now. Ever since I put the clouds up and got the rug in there, I like the room more and more. The quilt hanging over the crib also makes it seem more “homey” I think. I’m not a big ‘matchy-match’ person so I’m all about the character of this room. Who says jungle and farm animals can’t get along?!
This morning it’s been raining all morning and it’s been unusually quiet outside. We’ve still not turned on the A/C so the windows were open when I woke up today and I could hear the rain dripping onto the leaves and the roof outside of the window. It was incredibly peaceful and quiet. I keep holding onto those moments and kind of staring wistfully as I soak in the quiet, because I realize that pretty soon the quiet will be gone. I know that it will be replaced with a noise that starts out anxiety ridden and jarring, but will eventually ease into a joyous kind of song in the background. I’ve just become incredibly aware of how quiet I keep things when I”m by myself- no television, no radio, just the sounds of the house, maybe a fan and whatever sounds are outside the open windows.
Well I was just telling G yesterday, “I can’t wait for the baby to come- just so I have someone to hang out with.”
I have great friends it’s just that their either inconveniently located (geographically speaking), or right now don’t really have much in common with me. I miss being around people- Happy Hours and going out to bars and stuff. I think people don’t ask me to do that because either: A) I suck and am incredibly boring to talk to now that I’m pregnant or B) they don’t want to be the person walking into the bar with the pregnant person. I don’t know. I miss going out so much. I know it would be hard for me to do anyways because nothing really fits me or looks right (clothing-wise) but I would love to just sit and talk to people like I used to.
Giving up alcohol wasn’t that bad- it’s not tempting at all for me to be around it. I’ve sipped G’s beer and it doesn’t taste good- just like I gave up coffee- I see absolutely no point in indulging in either kind of beverage if you’re not going to smoke a cigarette with it. Hopefully I’ll be able to figure something out after the baby’s born and enjoy at least wine and liquor again but I have a feeling I may never truly enjoy a real cup of coffee or a good beer in my lifetime if it’s not coupled with a smoke. Maybe I’m wrong but whatever…I’ve been off the nicotine for about four months now- I can handle being around other people who do it- I WANT To be around other people who are still living their lives the same way.
I guess what I’m saying is that there are some really shitty emotional things to deal with while going through this pregnancy. I miss my friends- particularly the ones that I will soon have nearly nothing in common with anymore. It’s hard knowing that it’s only going to get worse, not better. I try to think of ways to lure them over to my house (food and even beer). Once a baby’s here it’s going to be even harder to find time and things to talk about with my friends.
I realize that I’m not ever going to be bored again, for the rest of my life, once Thumbkin is born. I’m okay with that and I’m trying to spin the boredom/loneliness I’m experiencing into a whole: “Oh-appreciate-the-quiet-time” mantra, but it’s just not working. I’ve cleaned the house, I’m maxed out on fridge space, I’ve treated myself to pedicures, I’ve watched the movies I have and don’t care to give Blockbuster anymore money, I have window shopped even though I don’t have any money to spend; I’ve gone on a walk. I’ve made a cake. I’m trying to be creative and keep myself busy but not much takes the place of relaxing and talking with a friend or five. I used to do it all the time.
I don’t know. I guess I’m saying I need to put together some sort of personal ad for friends- not for new friends to replace the old, but for friends that have a thing or two in common with me. I’ll think about how that would go and maybe post it later. Or I might just go sit and wistfully look out the window eating peanut butter m&ms. We’ll see.