This movie is hilarious.


miracle schmiracle

I told G I was a miracle last night as we were about to watch Miracle of Life Nova DVD. He said “That movie’s so old- it’s from the 70s or something.” I said, “How much could things have changed since then!? People still make babies the same way, right?” He said, “No.” And he didn’t expand on that.

So we watched the movie, that starts out with the protozoan life form, and the cilia and flagellum and how we all came to be out of these teeny tiny cells. I suppose that’s miraculous.

Then the narrator begins to talk about the human body- and how the girl parts and the boy parts match up to make the baby. Well, it gets really technical and you can actually follow the camera up through the urethra and epididymis (who made up that name!?) and then the ovaries and fallopian tubes. This process takes forever- discussing how the egg has just a certain window of time or else it just doesn’t work and then you have to wait a whole other month to get another egg. Then the guy starts talking about how many of those swimming sperms are deformed and don’t make it because they’re too busy swimming in circles like a dumb dog chasing its tail. And…he mentions that it’s a 7-12 inch journey for the poor dumb sperms…(G says his journey is on the “longer side”). And it’s such a hassle for the sperms to even get through the woman’s vagina because the vagina is “inhospitable” (they said that…like we have rude vaginas?) and acidic and only the strongest sperms make it through and THEN they have to swim ALL. THE. WAY. UP. INTO. THE UTERUS..wherein they are tricked by other just regular cells because some sperm (though strong) aren’t that smart and they think that any round looking cell is an egg. And it’s such a long and difficult journey that I finally think, yea this IS a miracle, I mean- it’s a miracle that ANYone can get pregnant at all…

Finally a sperm fertilizes the damned egg and I think, Okay now we’re getting somewhere and the movie will get more interesting to me because, after all- I am pregnant with a nearly 31 week old fetus/baby, etc. The movie then just glosses over the first 13 weeks of pregnancy. I mean, the first 5 or so weeks there’s nothing but cell division happening, people. I suppose that’s a miracle, but the REAL miracle I wanted to see was HOW THE THING BECOMES A PARASITE and is LIVING OFF OF ME AND MY ICE CREAM CRAVINGS. I don’t know. Seriously the last 5-10 minutes the narrator talks about how the zygote/embryo thingy turns into more of a tadpole looking thing, then a weird translucent bear-looking thing, and then eventually an alien baby looking thing and then, roll the credits, that’s it. That’s your miracle, up to 13 weeks.

I was disappointed. I mean, it definitely seems miraculous that people get pregnant at all. (I think I’ve mentioned before how surprised G and I were– I mean, we both had pretty good track records of avoiding procreation- 15 years or so are pretty good odds.) But the rest of the movie- the miracle of the baby seeming more human-like and reacting to G’s voice when I get home from work and it’s so WEIRD how the baby can hear him and starts kicking. OR how they can SEE in there, and apparently they DREAM in there..those are miracles too. But I guess NOVA just thinks sex and cell replication is miraculous only. Blah.

So I do not recommend the movie Miracle of Life, because it stops short of the exciting parts of pregnancy and the real miracle that is:’

The past few days

I’ve been wishing we had cable- mainly because I’m on LONG waiting lists for the movies/television-series at the library and nothing has come in for a while. We’ve watched roughly 6 hours of birthing class videos and a Stages of Labor DVD. I just highjacked the Nova Miracle of Life special on DVD to watch tonight if we’re still this bored when I get home from work.  Anyways, I was thinking about maybe taking advantage of some sort of “free for 6 months deal” just for the remainder of my pregnancy and the first few months I’m stuck at home with a kid on my boob and nothing to stare at but the walls of my apartment.  G says no-way, no-how is he ever paying for cable, and I think that’s a good plan. I hate tv. But lately I’ve wanted it because of shows that TLC offers people like me. Apparently they’ve added a ton of reality-type shows about birthing, getting ready to birth, bringing home baby, all sorts of stuff that a person “in my condition**” would enjoy.  Heather Armstrong of says it best in this post….

G’s been having a tough time going through video-game withdrawal. Last night I found him in the basement trying to shut it off and drinking the LARGEST GLASS OF OLD SANGRIA (from last weekend’s party– it seriously smelled rancid) I’ve ever seen.  I could smell it from 5 feet away and said, “Um, got enough sangria?” He said, “Taste it.” So I tasted it…it seriously tasted like gasoline. He said, “I added more brandy.” Gag. I’m lucky the baby inside of me is still moving around because that sip alone probably could’ve killed him. Yuck. 

But I’m not saying anything to him, because everyone has vices. Everyone is (at some point or another) forced to give one up…or two, or like me…ALL OF THEM. The shitty thing about pregnancy is you can’t substitute one for another. You can’t stop smoking and pick up long-distance running when you’re pregnant. You just can’t. So I’m trying to be supportive as G kicks his World of Warcraft habit. In the meantime he has been quite crabby. I’m hoping to help him through it with chocolate, brownies, ice cream and today a package of rolos. The sweets tend to help his mood I think.

**The other day while G and I were sitting in the ultrasound room waiting on the doctor (for OVER AN HOUR), contemplating on sticking the internal ultrasound wand (looks like a dildo) in various orifices of G’s body just to get their damned attention and have someone GET TO US ALREADY- G said, “You know, that shirt you have on looks like it fits you, like it’s made for someone in your condition..” which was the closest thing to a compliment/feeling pretty I’ve had in a long long while. “Thanks honey, thanks,” I said.**

delayed panic

So if given sufficient time in front of the computer, I can spin myself into a flurry of research on a number of genetic or spectrum disorders- that I fear the baby will have…or I may just start researching cancer and thinking about how I will probably get diagnosed with cancer right after I have the baby- or a real reason to stick around on the planet- or right as I decide to pick up smoking again just for fun on the weekends. Basically, I shouldn’t be given access to information right now- my fleeting thoughts get me in big big trouble as I try to figure out everything that’s changing/wrong with me right now, and as I attempt to single-handedly “cure” those diseases and disorders that have no cure now. I start to string together my own diagnoses like Gregory House. It’s quite ridiculous.

So instead of doing that for another 30 minutes- I decided I’m going to share with you all what I did this weekend, via links to cool websites of the places we went and things we saw in Cbus.

Friday night Mandy requested we hit up Jeni’s Ice Cream, which has a convenient location in Gview.  I had a “trio” which means three mini scoops of ice cream. This time I picked Buttermilk Strawberry, Belgian Milk chocolate, and Pistachio and Honey. Take that, doctor man.

Saturday morning we went to some garage sales in my neighborhood after going to this AWESOME breakfast place I’d never been to before: Banana Bean Cafe.  I had Bananas Foster french toast that was drizled with a Grand Marnier syrup and fresh strawberries. It was insanely good. Even though we were both stuffed, we then  trekked down to the North Market, and picked up some bacon for Sunday morning’s breakfast. Saturday evening we went to Cap City where I saw Gordon Gee leaving as we walked in. That man looks the same as he did 10 years ago. So strange…same bow tie and everything.

Sunday we had an awesome breakfast by Mandy and then Dinner by Mandy…and then we watched this movie: The Business of Being Born, which was probably not a good idea. Basically it has me terrified that I”m going about this whole having-a-baby-thing wrong, and wondering about the link  between Pitocin and developmental disabilities….blah. I would say it’s a bunch of propoganda but I was already reading a book called Birth: The Surprising History of How We Are Born, and the author of this nonfiction book also spoke on the movie about the lack of midwives in America and how your dr. just wants you in and out of the hospital (though I can’t really blame him I don’t want to be there either..)…

I don’t know. I’m glad I watched it but now I’m all freaked out too. Blah.

Anyways, I almost successfully took my mind off of worrying myself to death. I better find some work to do and hopefully distract myself some more.