There’s never enough time in between the times I say, “What else could you try?” and “That wasn’t a very kind thing to do” or “Did you put your shoes on? Are your teeth brushed? If I touch your toothbrush will the bristles be wet?”
In between all of that nagging Simon, I want to say the things I hurriedly try to whisper in your ear when I tuck you in at night. Only I want to drag them out and say more than, “I am so proud of you” and “You are such a good boy” and “Tomorrow is going to be a great day” or on the harder nights, “Tomorrow we’ll try harder.”
I want to tell you that I love watching you grow. You’ve become so lanky and tall. Your hair is this golden color and you want to let it grow down to your shoulders, you say. Your knees and elbows are pointy and sharp, sharply contrasted against the memories I have of you what seems like moments ago, round and soft. I can close my eyes and imagine you the other way, but I sure do love the person you are now.
You are SO incredibly kind to your brother and other people. You are so amazingly generous with your toys, your space, your THINGS. George has no idea how lucky he is to have you, but someday he will know. I will tell him, don’t worry.
I love snuggling with you, under a blanket on the couch, at the movies in the theater, and when you ask me to snuggle with you at bedtime- I’m sorry I never stay long enough. Right now George sucks a lot of my energy out at bedtime, so sometimes I’m rushing to get out of your room and just be alone for a while. I will try to be better.
This year at school has been OK. The friend (Matteo) you play the most with is moving away. You’ve said almost every morning lately that you hate school and you don’t want to go. It breaks my heart a little because I know you love learning and socializing, and that your negative feelings about school are connected to other feelings and I want to make you feel more sure of yourself and confident. I do a lot of reading, trying to find out how I can help YOU know how awesome you are. Because you are so awesome, Simon. Your dad and I say it all the time.
So I just wanted to tell you, I love the person you are right now, at age 6 and a half. And I’ve loved you at every age, though with each year you grow my heart grows in a way I didn’t expect it to. Then you show me something tremendous that I didn’t expect, and I am blown away by your kindness of spirit once again.
I am so incredibly proud of you. I am so sorry that I am not always the best mom. Most of the time I’m rushing around or getting things ready or about to leave- and I need to work on all of that. But please know in the times when I finally sit down and I think about our lovely little life, that I hope you have the tiniest idea of how much I love you. Because whatever idea you have, it’s the tip of the iceberg, dude.
All my heart,