I’ve been busy. Busy in the real sense of the word- physically keeping myself busy (attempting to move my body more often), and busy in the mental way: crunching numbers and thinking of the future and wondering how my Strategic Life Plan will work out.
And we all know how plans tend to work themselves out.
Anyhow, I’m really really working hard at work. A few times I’ve thought about how I kinda wish I would’ve had this library job first, and my last one as my “second step” because this one is much harder. And I am tired, and older. And the family part of life seeps into work thoughts and it all gets muddled up.
Basically when I start to think about the future- and preschool and a potential sibling for Simon….well there are two big concerns. Money is the first. Basically one needs about $9000 a year for child care (only– not counting formula, doctor bills, diapers, etc.) per kid. We are managing with one quite nicely. It works. For some reason I had it in my head that we could afford another once we got Simon into preschool because I (silly me) thought preschool would be cheaper than a sitter.
Wrong. It’s about the same, a little bit more than what we pay now. So instead of shifting costs from one kid to another, we would just be adding on. Then there’s the scheduling issue. Both Gabe and I get off work at 6pm at the earliest. Every preschool (all day sorts) in the area has 6pm as the latest pickup time, and some charge PER MINUTE for each minute after six if you are late. So now I”m thinking maybe preschool isn’t even an option.
So then I start tailspinning into career type choices. I can’t make less money than I do now and stay afloat, and Gabe’s stuck in his job until he plans on finishing school, which will happen…probably….well never. So I start thinking about job satisfaction, and how I really do have a lot of that, and I’m grateful for it. It seemed to be worth the pay cut when I made the switch to this career, but then I didn’t have a kid, nor was I planning to have a second.
So when I start to think of my professional life, I feel like I need an extra page or two of my resume to explain all the great things that I did before I got into this field of work- and how they really ARE translatable in many ways to what I do now. But no one really takes that seriously for some reason, or I don’t expect them to because it feels like a lifetime ago.
So after about two hours of researching preschools on the web last night and looking at jobs in various industries that I could potentially find satisfying in a similar way but not in the way I’d prefer, I went to bed last night feeling very defeated.
So basically I feel like I’m out of control professionally, which I’m sure is how 99% of the world’s workforce feels most of the time anyhow, so boo hoo to me.
The second thing that is also sending me into a tailspin is:
Simon has hit the official Mommy Stage. Now, I expect to be the one to do everything when I’m the only grown up around. I expect to be the one to cut up the food, wipe the face, zip the coat, put on the shoes, etc. But when Gabe and I are lucky enough to be home at the same time and BOTH able-bodied to care for the boy, now with every.single.little.thing. Simon wants it’s “No. Mommy do it.” And let me just tell you: it’s been nearly three years and I’ve read almost every mother’s blog or status update in that I know and at some point, each one of them has eluded to the fact that their child was driving them insane in some way. I always thought, “you heartless creatures, I’ve NEVER felt that way, not once about my child.”
That was until this stage. Now it’s maddening. The best part about co-parenting (when available) is the CO part of it. And now that he demands I help him do everything, or I’m the one playing baseball, “Run mommy! run!” I’m just wore. out.
Easy enough, you say. He’s two. Tell him you can’t do everything for him and daddy will have to do it.
Then I have TWO pissed off men in the house because Gabe surely doesn’t want to deal with a crabby kid who doesn’t really want his help, and then Simon’s aggravated too. I can imagine that it makes Gabe feel like shit to have his kid not want him to play with him, do anything for him, or even really do anything besides sit in the room. That would hurt my feelings (I’m sure Gabe wouldn’t word it that way). All I’m saying is– I can’t wait for this stage to pass. I was lucky to have two and a half years of never being annoyed with my kid. They were blissful. But this is apparently the dawn of a new day.
I can only take one pissed off person in this house at a time, period.
So this too shall pass, of that I am sure. But when I try to focus on how I can change the other crap that I’m trying to deal with, it’s hard. Then tie in the fact that I feel guilty if I’m not with him, it’s all just load of stuff that I’ll bet people don’t feel if they just have say, a doberman pincher and not a child.
So tomorrow, since I shelled out two full weeks of pay for one week of actual baby sitting service, I’m off work. And I’m taking Simon to the sitter for a few hours and having a pedicure and lunch with some friends. And I’m going to try my damnedest (though I feel it already) to not feel guilty about it. Because it’s my one day before seven in a row of working and not having much time with the kid.
In the meantime, if anyone has any ideas on how I can make more money and still love my job as much as the one I have now, I’m all ears. I’m starting to feel backed into a corner and would like at least ONE part of my life to advance to another level of awesomeness.