Wedding prep

So I don’t know if you come to this blog looking for anything in particular…perhaps it’s cute-isms of my child and whatnot- if I can think of some I’ll try to share them somewhere. But right now, in this house it’s wedding-mode time, and my To-Do list is getting shorter and I’m finding myself saying, “Meh, whatever” to a lot of things on it. If it doesn’t get done, it doesn’t get done. All I know is that after tomorrow, I have six days of work between me and getting married. To a HUSBAND. To this guy:

ImageYou might not know this but he was voted “cutest smile” in his High School Superlatives. I concur. Even with his shitty attitude. 

At any rate, we’re headed down the fast track to marital bliss which involves some primping on my part. Included in the process:

  • Hair cut- done.
  • Regularly applying self-tanning lotion to extremities leaving streaks of orange flesh to be exposed on wedding day: done. (twice per week, wash your hands after and rub remnants on neck and face. Hope no one notices streaks.)
  • Purchase hosiery: to be done tomorrow. Also please note: DO NOT google “nude fishnet thigh highs” unless you’re prepared for pornographic results.
  • Eyebrows waxed AND TINTED. I don’t know if you’ve notice, but my fair skinned ginger kid has inherited my transparent facial hair. This is good in a lot of ways. Blond/white/transparent hair on most parts of your body means no one can tell if you haven’t shaved. If I haven’t drawn my eyebrows in, or slapped on mascara, people think I have some sort of flu. I look a lot like this guy, who is a handsome fella. But it is a stark contrast to someone who wears eyemakeup pretty much FULL TIME. ImageSo. What does eyebrow tinting and waxing involve? About 25 minutes with a hair dresser who has the exact same hair color as I do, and her special concoction of hair dye on my pre-waxed eyebrows. Then they’re magically tinted and she waxes off the bulk of them (I have a LOT OF EYEBROWS) and I’m one-less-makeup-step to go in the morning. Since it’s roughly $25 a go for the eyebrow tinting/waxing craziness, and only $4 for an eyebrow pencil, I save the tinting and waxing for special occasions. It lasts for 3-6 weeks, depending on the kinds of harsh facial chemicals you use (i.e. if you use zit facial washes, it doesn’t last as long). Since I rarely get to wash my face with more than water and a swipe of hand soap these days, I’m thinking these lovely auburn brows might last longer than usual. We’ll see!
  • Pedicure and manicure: I’ve had a pedicure with my mom last weekend which was MARVELOUS and you can’t even tell that I have one nasty gross toe that should never see the light of day, never. I still plan to get another pedicure for the big day at a new nail salon, where I have a gift card from a dear friend who is just WAY TOO GENEROUS. This should be happening with girlfriends on Friday March 30th either before or after a good lunch at 1pm. I’m very excited to see everyone who’s traveling into town for the big day!
  • I got my dress back from the tailor and it’s HELLA SHORT. Not scandalous short, but OH MY short. I immediately sent a picture to my unforgiving father, who is always honest. He said, “It makes your legs look longer!” So I’m keeping it. $19.99 for the dress. $35.00 for the hemming, and he even texted, “AND you can wear it again- no one can say that about their wedding dress!” Only my dad, folks- no, you can’t have him. 
  • I wore my heels to my sister’s baby shower and though they are uncomfortable burdens of footwear (because they are not tennis shoes or flip flops) they are bearable. I hate shoe shopping, shoe buying and shoe wearing in general, but these I think I’ll be able to handle. If I find a pair of cute gold-ish flip flops to throw on after a bit, I’ll buy them. After all…
  • I’m going to the mall tomorrow! I’ve suckered my brother (pictured above, several years ago, drunk) into watching Simon crawl around the Flu Playground at the mall while I do some last minute shopping with his wife and get our fully stocked iPod (in lieu of a DJ). Hopefully, success will be had during our trip. 
  • I might have to buy a bra. Because…um….I only have three that fit me. And that usually is okay because…um….I don’t wear them. Mostly ever. Actually if I do wear one, I usually take it off as soon as I get in my car/leave an event. There are usually 2-3 bras on the floor of my car (along with 9-13 half eaten goldfish). BUT– IF YOU DON’T NEED A BRA, THEN WHY?! I ask the Universe. (Aside: I had a lady doctor appointment this week also, which I suppose falls under the area of primping in some obscene way but anyhow he mentioned something about a Baseline Mammogram and I nearly cried. I’M OLD ENOUGH TO NEED A MAMMOGRAM SOON?! Whole. Other. Sad. Story.)
  • Underpants. I assume most brides don’t wear cotton maternity underpants (that a giant stuffed monkey may or may not have worn in a failed Potty Training Experiment with a toddler) on their wedding day. Just a guess. So I might buy a new pair of underpants too. I love the word underpants. Sometimes I look at people when they talk and say, “Yes, I underpants” instead of understand. It makes people laugh every time. 
  • Makeup. Um, about a month ago I went on a field trip to get makeup with my friend Alison and discovered Sephora. Oh. Emm. Gee. I slap this stuff on my face: immediately pretty. Like, I just ate a bunch of mushrooms and want to stare at myself in the mirror, pretty. Here are some of my finds:
  • Sephora Foundation.  I hadn’t worn foundation in a LONG LONG time and guess what. When I was wearing foundation I probably didn’t need it. I was young and had beautiful skin. Now I am older. I am blotchy and tired and have an uneven complexion. The foundation- makes all my skin look glowy. It’s light and non pore-clogging and a little bit goes a LONG way. 
  • This blush. As it turns out, Coral colors look good on me, which I never would’ve guessed, ever in a million years. This blush is shimmery and makes me look young-ish. Love it. The next time I buy blush I’m buying this other kind, just so I can say the name. 
  • Eye pencil. I nearly wept when I realized I purchased this and then LOST IT on my bachelorette party night. It’s perfect for brightening up the brow bone during the day and then switching over to a shimmer at night. When do I get to do that switch? About once per never month. But it was so awesome that I’m going back and dropping another $23 on this thing tomorrow because again- it made me feel flipping pretty. And I’m sure whatever bitch found that pencil dropped on the floor of Big Bang Bar, kept it. 
  • Lipstick. Um…I have a million (probably 5) tubes of lipstick and varying lip colors from Mary Kay that I will likely use for the big day. I’m so bad at picking this stuff out I just slap some Burt’s Bee’s shimmer chapstick on top of whatever I find in my purse and say, “Hey- this is me!”

So I guess that’s it with the primping part. I was going to post a picture of my dress but I can’t get it to flip over the right way. If you’re really that interested, here: 

ImageNow just flip your head sideways or tilt your laptop over to see it the right way. Someday I’ll take some Macintosh Computer Lessons I paid for when I bought this piece of awesomeness MacBook Pro and really use it the right way.

In closing, we’re shaping up to have a good party where I might look halfway decent. We’ll see and I’ll allow you all to judge the pictures. I will also eventually write a super awesome blog post about my adorable son, who has spent the last two days referring to me as “Cow” but also said to me, “I Wuv you, Cow” and petted me before putting me out to pasture.

10 days or something. I’m off!



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