So tired.

I am so exhausted. I can’t tell if it’s physical or mental exhaustion or a combination of both, but I just feel. so. tired.

Lately my brain has been in overdrive mode. Last night I told Gabe “I feel like something needs to change. No, something DEFINITELY NEEDS to change.”

I can put my finger on about fifteen things I could or would want to change.

But I’m just so tired.

Between 9:30am and 11:00am I did the following:

Got Simon and I packed for work/sitter/day, loaded car. Loaded kid into car. Went to target to get random groceries. Immediately forgot what groceries I needed upon entering the store. Got a Dollar Spot fireman hat. Discussed with Simon what I was forgetting. He was no help. Purchased random assortment of groceries, loaded into car. Loaded kid into car. Put cart back. (I never can figure out what step in this process I’m supposed to do first in order to be a good parent.) Brought groceries home. Left Simon in car parked in the back while I literally THREW all cold things in the fridge and watched like a hawk from kitchen window (bad parent). Drove through Starbucks for Simon’s requested Chocolate milk and my breakfast/lunch (pumpkin scone).  It was something like $6. total. Drove to bank. Deposit, withdraw, drove to CVS, unload kid. Convince him we don’t have time to ride in the car shopping cart. Decide on night time pull-ups instead of goodnight Huggies. Take to counter. Attempt to get money order. Can’t get amount that I need because I don’t have $2 for separate transactions in cash. Only $1. Get one money order. Realize I left my debit card in the car and can’t spend allotted cash amount on diapers. Leave the pull ups at the counter, take the one money order, fight a 35 pound toddler to get him back in the car to go to storytime. Not a fun 2 minutes.

By 11 we were at storytime and the letter was F for Food and Simon was hyper and a woman was there with triplet girls who rode matching pink and purple play vespas to the library, parking them in the bike rack. I wouldn’t wish triplet three year old girls on almost anybody. They were wild, making my child wild, and storytime was kind of a bust. We retrieved our scratch and sniff cupcake sticker and back in the car, to sitter’s, then I was off to work.

Today at work we were busy, the normal busy, nothing out of the ordinary. I covered a desk for someone running late (no big surprise there) for a while. I helped agitated people with our antiquated computers for a while. I checked emails and printed copies of an article I was supposed to read before 5 o’clock, at which point I was attending a class on Financial Mgmt and Grant proposals by UIUC. Hours noon to 3 were a bust, I literally have no recollection of what I did during that time aside from what was listed above. From 3-4 I helped some kids with their homework and then from 4-5 was my lunch hour. I had to take the money order to the other side of town to pay an overdue bill in person and of COURSE traffic was awful. I ate an apple and peanut butter sandwich in my car during this errand, which took the full hour. From 5-7 I sat in a graduate course on budgeting in the public sector and wanted to cry because I miss school. I miss it so much. And I know I cannot afford more of it.

From 7-9 I shelved books and helped people and the night was relatively low key and normal but I got in my car at 9:05 and NPR was on and they were playing Dave Matthews Band songs from an album I listened to my senior year of high school and freshman year of college and I just blared it thinking, “I need to dance. To something other than Songs for Wiggleworms.”

I need a vacation.

I need a break.

Because I feel overwhelmed everywhere I turn and I don’t see an end in the foreseeable future. And I would love to be overwhelmed in just one part of life instead of all of it.

So, I make lists.

Of things to do, things I’d love to do, things I want to do, things I will do, and they all start overlapping. I can’t decide what will get done and what will never get done. “Having the trash men pick up the rotting porch furniture” becomes as complicated as “writing a book”  and “organizing the basement” feels as outlandish as “go to Ireland”. “Be home on the weekends” is clearly becoming more and more important to me and should be at the top of the list but it also seems as probable as “investigate and find a grant opportunity for attending school, again”.

I don’t like all my wants and wishes and goals seeming impossible.

I can’t decide if it was just this day, or what. But I am tired.

And when I walked in the door at 9:30, Gabe knew I had a bad day. (I forgot to mention I lost my glasses today too)  He had put the remaining groceries away and cleaned things up even more than normal, because he knows it was a bad day when I text him something like “*expletive* everything about this day”

And Simon made a noise indicating he hadn’t fallen asleep yet so I crawled into bed with him and read him Where the While Things Are twice (one more time, one more time) while he giggled and put his finger up my nose.

I just want to be overwhelmed by him. Nothing else, just him.

And I pretended to sleep, but he didn’t buy it.

For about ten minutes most everything else slipped away, and if it weren’t for his tiny digits probing my closed eyeballs and nostrils, I could’ve fallen asleep.

I just want to feel that more. Not the chubby toddler fingers in my nostrils, but that calm that my kid brings in those moments. I need more of those, and less of everything else.

But what will change that?!


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