Truth Time. We’ll see if I post this.

So I feel like this blog, which is supposed to take the place of a baby book in a lot of ways, used to also be my outlet for writing my mental vomit buildup that occurs. It was easy when I was pregnant. Everything was so surreal and about me me me that it was easy to complain, vent and whatnot. Now I feel like I cover that up or repress repress repress. I can’t decide what’s causing this self-censorship, which I think might be the WORST kind of censorship and that’s saying a lot (for me, who loathes all kinds of censorship).

At any rate.

I feel like I haven’t been completely honest about some things. I feel like for the most part, I’m a really good mom. Maybe even a great mom on some days, or in some moments. But sometimes. I feel like I’m not such a great mom. In particular, I’m thinking about modeling healthy habits and behaviors.

I’ll start with the negatives.

  • I smoke. Not as much as I used to- pre-baby, but I still do it. I take a break every so often and use that smoking time to regroup. I honestly don’t know if I smoke because I like to anymore– it is really more of a pain than anything else, but it IS my excuse to get away, have a few minutes. Guilt guilt guilt.
  • I imbibe in the occasional alcoholic beverage, after Simon’s gone to sleep. Usually the amount is dependent upon the day at work. Lately, days at work have been winning, and my liver losing. That said, I don’t drink a LOT, I water things down with Sprite, and am painfully aware of the repercussions of over-doing it the next morning, when an adorable little boy doesn’t understand why I am laying on the couch like a log. Guilt. Guilt Guilt. So after the first time that happened (last year) it hasn’t really happened again. Everything in moderation, and NEVER do shots. Never.
  • I have NO workout regime. I went on a stint a while back where I was working out and it makes me feel several things: A) I am missing out on the few times Simon is awake and I am not working, and instead I’m opting to spend time doing something NOT with him. Guilt. B) The entire time I AM working out, I’m thinking about how-he’s-doing in the play room with the other kids. C) If I work out in the evening, after he goes to bed, I can’t get to sleep. I’m all revved up and it totally screwed up my energy levels in a not-good way.
  • I quit writing. I quit unloading onto paper or a computer the way that I’m feeling. This is bad and dangerous territory for me. It’s like a crazy person never going to therapy or taking meds. I need to write. I need to stop censoring.
  • I quit looking for new music. AND I quit really listening to music and totally rely on NPR and mixtapes people make me for exposure to anything new and great music-wise. I miss this. But apparently I don’t miss it enough to do anything about it. We don’t listen to enough music in this house.
So those are the things. Those are pretty big things. And I spend a lot of time mulling them over in my head. Setting quit dates and thinking about creating a new “routine”. It’s so hard though, not the quitting part- that’s pure laziness and creating excuses, I know that. But creating a new “routine,” yes. That’s my fault.
The thing is, if we ever decide to have another baby, I want to be in tip-top shape beforehand, so the pregnancy itself is easier. I know it would be. I know of one person who trots her prego bod on a run every day practically, and I’m so envious of her dedication and motivation to do it. And she’s already pregnant! And her baby is younger than mine! And her husband is usually GONE (a pre-doctor resident dude). So my excuses get lamer and lamer.
I do some things well though.
  • We don’t watch tv. Well, that’s to say, we only watch the shows that we get from the library or already own on DVD. So there’s that. But there’s no Jersey Shore or mainstream media news on television telling us subliminally that we’re not rich enough, good enough, or that we don’t have enough crap to fill our apartment. (I assure you, we do.)
  • Because we don’t have tv, we read books. Gabe’s much better at this than I because I like complete solitude when reading. I have a hard time tuning things out. Gabe, on the other hand can read a book anywhere and zone out. So Simon sees Gabe, says, “Daddy reading a book” and will go grab a book (one of ours’) off the shelf and either “read it” or ask us to read it. Yesterday he asked me to read him Everyman and other medieval allegorical dramas. Interesting. I was reading the part of God in one play, and he sat there for five minutes as I read aloud. Strange.
  • When it’s nice out, we’re usually out and about at the park or something. And I usually try to get in one round of RUNNING and CHASING while we’re doing that. And walking around the neighborhood and to the park is burning calories in some way, right? RIGHT!? I much prefer taking Simon to the park when Gabe’s there, because his arms and legs are longer, and it appears to take less effort for him to catch him or “spot” him as he climbs. And I usually wear my workout gear to the park when we go. We load up on water and snacks, and sunscreen up and just chill there for a while. That has to be good, right?
  • When I’m not getting ready for the day, cleaning up, preparing for the next day, or making some sort of meal, I am completely and totally focused on my kid. And a lot of times, I can multi-task and do two things at once. When he’s around, I’m not on the computer. I’m not watching tv. I’m either doing something, or with him, discussing the ABC’s on the show we’re watching, or playing with him. This also has to be burning some sort of calories. Because loafing around watching tv is like one step away from death or something metabolism wise. I read it on the internet, so it must be true.
  • I never, NEVER smoke around my kid. If he sees my pack of cigarettes on the front porch, he points at them and says “DIRTY” because I taught him that, because it’s true.
So there are a few things I could do. I could start taking steps to take this time for me. I could use that time to get fit and healthy. I want to. I don’t understand why it seems so hard to break a habit. But it is.
So this is the mindset of Mandy tonight. And I think of these things often, and I don’t know what to do with it all. I think I might start forcing myself to really write it all down like I used to, because maybe that will help. Maybe.
Today was the first day back at work after a long blissful weekend with my boys. And I still cannot properly articulate just how much I feel like this family time is needed. The next time we will all have days off at the same time is August 20th. I am counting down until that time, even though I believe we’ll be filling that weekend with another visit home to see my adorable growing niece, and get the Big Boy Bed we need for Simon’s room. So REALLY, the next weekend that I’ll have off and with my family and the time to just hang at the house will be Labor Day weekend. There are too many working days in between these weekends. The chin-to-chest sad-pout I get when I drop Simon off after these weekends is almost too much to bear.
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