written last tuesday- just managed to post today…
But there are some days, like today, and usually Every Other Tuesday (not today) that I just feel like unloading some emotional vomit.
Tonight, on my way home from work, I longed to call a friend. I longed to call someone that knew all of the BS that I normally complain about. I wanted someone to know and understand everything that’s been bugging me lately, and I couldn’t think of who to call.
Now that I’m a mom, I know that my mom, will want to fix whatever I’m feeling. Inevitably, she will want to say the right thing, and regardless of whether she does or doesn’t (nobody’s perfect), she will lay in bed wondering if I’m OK, had I called her.
Now that I’m a mom, I also know that my few, great friends/siblings, who I normally would call and complain/vent to, they wouldn’t completely understand either. They may understand the stress, and the frustrations of a job, and colleagues, and wondering what the next career move can be. But they don’t understand the guilt that’s associated with each minute of my day that I’m not spending completely engaged with my kid. Before you have kids, it’s impossible to imagine what your life will be like with them, just like it’s impossible to imagine how much you will love them. It’s also impossible to imagine how you’ll ever get things done, but you do. In the twenty minutes that used to be spent straightening your hair or drinking one last cup of coffee while you read work emails, you’re now packing a lunch that you “hope is enough” or you “hope he will eat” or you “hope will stay cold” while you pack yourself and the child up to go to story time.
I’m so freaking lucky in so many ways. I love what I do for a living, I love my house, my boyfriend, my kid, all of it. I don’t take ANY of those things, or any of the blessed moments that I get to enjoy them for granted.
However, there are days like today that make me wonder. How can some people live their life seemingly compelled by negativity? It’s so insidious and sad and draining it’s almost too much to think about. I try to focus on the things I can control. And for the most part I manage ok. But when you’re surrounded by people who see obstacles instead of opportunities, and negatives instead of positives, it’s tough to not feel a twinge of “maybe I’m not doing this right” or…the dreaded self doubt.
And self doubt tends to seep its way in to everything else. It may start at my hours during work and how I’m spending them and what I’m doing during that time. But it will then spill over into, “How much time am I really engaging with the kiddo?” or “He doesn’t really seem to like to snuggle, why not…” or a million other things that, when I type them seem ridiculous, but in my head seem completely logical.
There’s something really valuable about working with people who are in like circumstances. I miss being around people who have had the same emotional rollercoaster as I’ve had by 9am in the morning.