my teeth hurt

When my teeth start to hurt this is always a bad sign. This means I am stressed, and repressing the stress, and grinding my teeth. I notice myself doing it at the oddest times- times when I am “relaxing”. I learned a trick to put my tongue between my back teeth to stop myself from doing it- but it still happens involuntarily when I sleep. So I’m officially stressed out: my teeth hurt.

The stress is a result of several things I’m sure. Simon’s sleep schedule is off, and he’s been acting a little crazy lately- or just becoming more “himself” I’m not sure which. He doesn’t want his diaper changed, he wants to flip over, mid-wiping-poop-off-swipe and crawl away. He gets tremendously angry over diaper changings in general the past few days. And he’s waking up a few times in the morning (we think due to the birds outside his window) and forcing me up an hour earlier than usual. None of this is bad- just different and moderately troubling. However, when combined with planning for our first trip away from him (this weekend, we go to NYC) and preparing to leave one job and go to another…well this all ends up as stress in my jaw and mouth.

I am so excited for our trip but completely freaked about it as well. We’re leaving for a long weekend and Simon is staying with my parents- who I’m sure will be great with him. It’s still hard to do. I’ve not woken up ONE MORNING since he was born and not had him there. I’ve not gone to sleep without him (at the very least) in the next room.  It is hard to think about him giving that million dollar morning smile to someone else besides me. I know that’s selfish but hey, I like to think that’s my smile. It’s a smile especially for mom, right?

In addition to counting in my head how many meals I have to prepare and freeze, bottles to pack, clothes, pacifiers, blankies, teething toys, socks, diapers, etc. I am just nervous about his schedule, how he’ll nap, how he’ll sleep, what if his teeth cut through? What if he decides to try to walk or something? I don’t want to miss it. Logically, we’re only going to be gone for 4 days. But love is not logical. And the what-ifs are making me crazy. Exhibit a) I have printed out numerous forms in case anything would happen to him/us while we are gone. Power of Attorney forms and a Guardianship appointment, etc. Exhibit b) I printed out the emergency numbers in my parents’ hometown so they know them should they need to call, as if my parents didn’t have four children of their own at some point. Exhibit c) Tonight I hand wrote a letter to give to Simon should anything terrible happen to us and I can’t stop thinking about all the things I’m leaving out.

WHO IS THIS CRAZY PERSON POSSESSING ME?! I am laid back, I am go with the flow, flexible and capable. Why am I freaking out in my head bad enough to grind my teeth down to the nubs?

It has to be the combination of the upcoming professional change in jobs. I’m going to blame it on that because I don’t know what else to think, and because I don’t want to be a crazy mom. I really am a little stressed about it though- mainly because I’m excited and thinking about all the things I need to do in preparation for that job…but I still have my current job where I need to tie up loose ends before I leave. And I’m just scared in general since I’ve been in a safe library place for the last 4 years and haven’t worked anywhere else. I think a little bit of apprehension and freakoutedness is expected at this point, right? God I hope so.

At any rate, I’m reduced to writing a rambling blog post that further illustrates my completely insane stream of consciousness right now. I can also blame hormones I suppose.

Great. Now I’m freaking out about what to pack for MYSELF. Quart sized bag, liquids, clothing, comfortable shoes, a dress? jacket? Shit.

Alright I should go to bed since the boy will likely wake up several times before finally getting up at 6am and tomorrow I work late.

I can do this.

We will have a blast.

We won’t spend the entire time wondering what Simon’s doing.

I should’ve taken an extra day off just to love on him when we get home.

Thank goodness I have some time off booked between jobs. I think I’ll need some decompression and perhaps a massage or facial treat to relax myself before my new venture. And I’ll use a couple of those days for just squeezing my boy and telling him I love him.

Good night all.

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