So much has changed in the last 10 weeks I can’t even begin to adequately explain it all here. You’re no longer a blob of newborn baby – who will sleep most of the day on whoever wants to hold you. You’ve started to grow and grow into this full-blown baby- one who now makes new noises with purpose and then looks at us to see if we’re paying attention. (We are.) You will sometimes sleep for 3 hours straight (during the day) and then wake up so hysterically happy (after you’re fed of course) that I wonder if there isn’t some form of drug or residual alcohol from my partying days in my breastmilk because you act insane. You move your arms and legs experimenting with the world around you and you seem pleased when you can get your hands to do something. For example- just this morning you were playing with your hands, staring at them in front of your face. Then suddenly you grasped onto your Nuk, pulled it out of your mouth and smiled as if you’d accomplished something great. I acknowledged this feat of course but then had to laugh as you realized you no longer had your Nuk in your mouth and getting it back in there wasn’t going to be as easy as pulling it out. These things take time, grasshopper.
In the last two weeks you’ve decided you DO like breastfeeding- so much so that your mouth makes the little I-wanna-eat face everytime you look at me- which is funny to see. It’s so strange how this breastfeeding thing has evolved so quickly and so near the end of my maternity leave. Now I’m really confused about when to pump and whatnot because I’ve been so ecstatic that you finally wanted to breastfeed and I have to go back to work. Bad timing, Simon. I’m confident we’ll figure something out. I’ll get it all down pat.
Yesterday was a big big day as you went to the sitter for the first time and I went to work for the first time. I was only there for 3 hours. I felt really good about leaving you with Cheryl, the sweet sitter who’s agreed to watch you two days a week. She knew just how to bounce you and you seemed oblivious to my leaving. I didn’t mind much because it was only for a short time. Next week will be much harder since I will be working full time and having to leave you there all day will be tough.
My experience back at work for the first day was ok- different. It is really hard to see the world and your work the same way when your priorities shift as much ours’ have since your arrival. I mean- a lot of things that seemed REALLY important before, seem insignificant now that you’re here and my #1 priority. It’s just weird. I wish I could work part time forever and stay with you most of the time. I hope you know that. (I’m also going to say that higher education is well worth these kinds of sacrifices you have to make down the road– so don’t ever let the burden of student loan payments stand in the way of going back to school if you want to. I mean, it sucks that I have to work right now to pay them back but it’s worth it. Your Grandpa Simon says that “Education is always a good investment” and I agree with him.)
We still have to go get more bloodwork drawn but hopefully this will be the last time for a while. The endocrinologist thinks you’re fine- and that the earlier thyroid tests were just a fluke and possibly my problem, not yours’. So we’re not too terribly worried. I hate watching them poke you with needles so I am not going to go do that by myself. I am going to wait for your dad to go with us so I don’t pass out or vomit when they poke around in your arm or hand for a vein.
Right now there is this awful flu virus going around called H1N1 and it’s really bad for old people and babies, and people with underlying conditions like asthma and stuff. Your dad and I haven’t been feeling great and have had some sort of virus the past few days so Dad hasn’t been able to hold or feed you. We’re constantly rubbing antibacterial stuff on our hands and trying not to breathe on you or kiss you on the face as much. My throat has hurt so I haven’t been talking to you as much as I do when it’s just the two of us and I hope it’s not hurting your feelings. You kind of look at me like, “Hey- aren’t you going to sing me the good morning song?” And trust me son, it wouldn’t be pretty if I tried. It is very hard for your dad not to hold you though. He looks at you from across the room and it’s kind of sad and cute because he looks like crap because he’s sick but he still wants to play with you and hold you. AND- young man- the last two nights you have slept in your own room because your dad is sick and I don’t want you to get whatever-he-has. And you have woken me up EVERY HOUR. This is really not ok. I mean, you’re a newborn I get it – we’ve been spoiled with you so far but every hour? Your room is way far away from our room and it’s starting to get chilly at night and whoa it has been a tough two nights being the only one getting up to check on you. It’s made me really thankful for your dad and for how much he helps take care of you. I know a lot of other kids aren’t so lucky. I am also anxious for him to get better and wondering if I’ll have you sleeping back in our room again or if we should just keep on trying you in your own crib/room. You just seem so little for that….we’ll see.
We’re still looking for someone permanent for Wed/Thurs. while we’re at work. We have a few in-between people who have offered to help us out, but no one who’s said, “Sure I’ll commit to it every week.” We’d like to find someone who will come to our house- like a college student or something like that. We’re still looking for a good fit. This week, Grandma Simon is coming to help. I’m glad she’s going to have the time alone with you to get to know you better.
Some of my favorite things you do these days: nursing- the way you act after you’re done eating, watching you hear your dad’s voice when he enters a room, smiling, ALMOST laughing, how taking a bath immediately relaxes you, how you start to lay limp in my arms when I rock you to sleep at night, dressing you in adorable outfits and taking your picture, watching you grow.
I am so very anxious and love watching how you change from one day to the next. I have to slow myself down and not let myself wish you into a grownup yet. Because even though I can’t wait to see how you turn out- I know that once you get there I’ll miss how your tiny head fits in the crook of my elbow, and how I have to lift up three rolls of skin under your chin at bath time. I don’t want to wish all that away, but I do want you to know how much more exciting each day is because you’re in it. I love you so much, think you’re the cutest, and have to go now because you’re starting to wake up.