Am I excited?

Well, I’ve hit the proverbial “wall” I think- I can’t fathom getting any bigger (though I know I WILL get bigger over the next 6 weeks) and moving has become a pretty big chore. I’m not a fan of steps, pants, chairs without proper back support, any swift movement in general, deep knee bends, etc. I’m just kind of done and feel worthless.

As such, I just returned from upstairs, where I (finally) went to put on pajamas. I looked in each room and realized the bed isn’t made, my clean laundry needs put away, the bag is still half packed from the weekend, and the new shelf is on the landing of the stairwell. I still need to remove the ironing board from the nursery, I’d like to wipe down and clean everything in there- but I just don’t have the energy. Normally my house is much more tidy. There isn’t normally (clean) tupperware containers on the couch and various bags of crap laying everywhere. Normally this stuff is done and the house is neat. I just can’t bring myself to tackle it now. Is more stuff going to pile up? Or will I get an eventual “burst” of energy and want to do this? If I’m working until I go into labor- I highly doubt it. I’m so tired after work- even on my “shorter” days where I technically only work 7 hours instead of 8…I just feel worthless.

That all being said, I realize it’s about to get worse- that more crap is going to pile up and I just need to get over it. That I am not going to be able to convince G that having (at least) weekly swept floors in this house is important. I mentioned it to him the other day and he scoffed at me when I said, “You’re going to have to help me do this after the baby gets here.” I swear the man hasn’t cleaned a toilet since I met him. Why should he have to?

(G is not a bad guy, nor nearly as dirty as most guys I know- he’s just bearing the brunt of my rant because he’s down in the basement playing his videogames. Again.)

But as shitty as I feel, a friend asked me today if I’m starting to get excited. And I AM. I’m really excited to carry my baby on the outside of me. I’m excited to be un-pregnant but I’m also excited to have the actual baby in the crib that’s been set up beside my side of the bed for the last month. I’m excited to dress him up in the adorable Beastie Boys onesie I got him this weekend. I’m excited to stare at him and take eleventy million pictures of him and then plaster them all over this blog. I’m excited to kiss him and wear him in a sling and go on a walk and watch G hold him and about a brazillion other things that I couldn’t begin to express here. Yes- I’m excited. It’s just that right now the discomfort and fatigue of pregnancy coupled with the sheer terror of the impending labor/delivery are trumping the excitement of Thumbkin’s arrival.

I hope that the joy and blinding love that occurs at his arrival will then trump the pain for at least a little while (they say it does). Because right now I”m reading about episiotomies , epidurals and cervical dilation and other things that I won’t even mention on here. Yes there are other things.

Another part of me could go on and on about my toes looking more like vienna sausages than ever, or how I saw cellulite on my ARMS the other day and almost threw up on myself right there…..But I get it, you’re all tired of my weight issues and they’re obviously not getting better so I’ll shut up about that for a while.  Or at least for this blog posting.

But I thought I should probably write the boy another letter, so here we go:

Hey Thumbkin,

I’m gathering that things aren’t too comfortable in there right now. There’s a lot of nuzzling and attempts at getting comfortable that I can feel from out here. I hate to break it to you but I think we both just get progressively more uncomfortable from here on out. I know it sucks but we have to do it while you fester in there a bit longer and get fatter. I’m doing my part to feed us both and fatten us both up. Let’s face it, chubby babies are just cuter.  I think you’re really going to love all the stuff we have for you. We now have a plethora of “comfort items” for you to choose from- and most of them are lined with “soft”- which is what I preferred as a baby. I can’t wait to see which one you pick as your favorite. I’m hoping Brutus wins but we’ll see- that little frog and puppy are pretty darn cute too. 

Speaking of Brutus- there’s this little thing called football season that will be upon us shortly after your supposed due date. I know we’ve been discussing the possibility of you being born a week or two early– TOTALLY FINE if you’d like to and feel ready. But realistically speaking, I know first-babies usually make late arrivals. So I just wanted to clarify the importance of September and how FOOTBALL SEASON will be upon us…and you’ll really want to be here for it, I swear. I mean- it’s just a ton of fun and we have some outfits all ready for you..I would hate for you not to get to wear them. So let’s think about that as further motivation…be born before football season. I know you can do it!

It also appears that you are a fan of hip hop music- which I really like about you. I know you like all kinds of music I’ve subjected you to (I know I know- some of it is cheesey) but I was particularly pleased when I noticed your little rhythmic thumping to Matisyahu and Girl Talk. You’re already way cooler than most kids your age. I can’t wait to dance with you in the kitchen. (I love dancing in the kitchen.)

Well it’s only 9:30 but I’m feeling that it’s about time for me to be horizontal again. Your adorable little feet and fists like to clobber my bladder between the hours of 3am and 5 am, so I’ll plan to be up and awake at these times. As I waddle to the bathroom, I think about how in a few weeks we’ll be waking up together for mini-dinner-dates at these hours. I wonder if you’ll tolerate my singing to you then, like you do now…

I can’t wait to see you. I’ll try to have things clean for your arrival but I’m not making any promises.

Love, Mom xoxox

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