hormones

So tonight we went to Lowe’s. Again. We needed different screws to finish putting up our borrowed pot-rack in the kitchen.

I’ve had a bad couple of days. I think G picked up on this last night when I couldn’t sleep and tonight when I got home he wasn’t playing video games. Instead he was making suggestions on things we could do. Here were my options for entertainment tonight:

“We could hang up the pot-rack, I’ll need your help with that.”

“We could warm up that leftover pizza and make ravioli.”

“Or we could go out to eat, but we do have leftovers.”

“Or we could watch the rest of that movie and then watch another movie that we have here…”

So I said, “Sure- because my other options are sleeping and….staring.”

So we heated up pizza. He made ravioli. We started to hang the pot rack and the screws didn’t work. So we went to Lowe’s. And as we’re walking up and down the aisles at Lowe’s looking for more heavy duty screws, I hear the song
“You are the Sunshine of my Life” and start to cry because dammit, this is a depressing way to live. No wonder people don’t want to hang out with us. There used to be a million fun things to do on any given night. And now I’m at Lowe’s in my pajama pants feeling like the skin on my stomach is stretching so far it will never, ever bounce back without some sort of surgical help eventually. I can’t really explain this to G or my mom or anyone because people don’t quite get it. Or, I just want to start crying and would rather not end up blubbering so it’s just easier not to talk about it.

I just honestly can’t believe that this is it. This cannot be “it” for me. People who don’t own homes shouldn’t spend this much time at Lowe’s. Sad part? I was excited just to get out of the house.

Anyways, I’m no fun to be around. I wish I could sleep until August.

And all day today I wanted a cigarette today as badly as I did on the first day I quit. I think cigarettes might have been my actual friends before. At least there were 20 of them per pack. At least if I was bored then I could say, “I’m smoking” even if I was sitting and staring.

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