Pic update

Now six months old.

six months old 2/2010

starting to look more like Daddy

The end of an era

So we’re weaning. If the idea of breastfeeding makes you queasy (you’re crazy, but I get it) don’t read on.

I told myself upon getting pregnant that I would do my best to breastfeed until the baby was 6 months old. That was the goal. It’s been 6 months and I’m retiring the pump, and my poor breasts from the feeding routine. We’ve slowly moved to cereal/food and formula, and this is the last week that I’ll be nursing Simon in the mornings in bed when I move him into our room at 5am. It’s bittersweet really.

I think about how many times it took us trying to get Simon to nurse before he finally got it. Three lactation consultants, trying and trying and trying to get him to breastfeed every day. Bleeding sore nipples. I didn’t think I’d ever take a shower facing forward again. Really, I couldn’t fathom how I would ever be able to stand there face the shower. Carrying Lansinoh around in my purse. Wearing breast pads every day. Every.day.for.six.months.

Other things that kind of sucked, but I’ve really thought about in the last two weeks, as I wean the boy:

Pumping every hour to make sure my milk supply didn’t stop because he wasn’t nursing. Pumping and crying in the hospital bathroom while we were at Children’s Hospital. Pumping at Gabe’s families’ houses in South Carolina. Pumping in the backseat of the car with a lighter adaptor while Gabe drove us down to SC. Pumping in the bathroom at work. Pumping in the manager’s office at work. Always wearing clothing that was easy to get off and on. Wearing and rotating the same four nursing tank tops for 6 months- this very much limits one’s wardrobe. Hauling the pump to work and forgetting a piece. Forgetting bottle lids. Forgetting an ice pack. Finding time in the day to pump at work. Pumping while dehydrated with the flu, barely able to do it with a fever and the chills. Realizing your milk’s letting down at a meeting. Picking up the baby when he’s already eaten at the sitters, but my boobs are about to explode. Sadly looking at pictures of Simon on my iPhone while I pumped and missed him tremendously. Feeling the surge of hormones dip as I pumped. These are all reasons I was ready to retire from the nursing/working mom thing.

And then there were the sweet moments:

When he FINALLY caught on- at 2 months old, that we weren’t trying to kill him, and he latched on and ate like a pro. Nursing Simon when he woke up at night instead of making a bottle. Stopping on the way to my parent’s house on Thanksgiving to nurse in the McDonald’s parking lot. Nursing at Babies R Us. Nursing in my car in the library parking lot. Nearly falling asleep in the chair each night before bed, as we rocked and nursed, rocked and nursed. The little “O” face he’d make shaking his head towards my chest wanting to eat. Laying in bed in the mornings and nursing until we both fell asleep. Feeling like I had a special way of getting him calmed down. The way his eyes looked at me as we both would lay down to take a nap. The way he smiled up at me as I fed him. The way his belly felt against my belly in the early days when we were first figuring it out.

My hormones are doing crazy things as we go from breast to bottle only. Part of me can get really sad about the whole thing, because it breastfeeding was our thing, it was something that only I could do for my son. I’m so glad we stuck with it and figured it out, and all of that pumping- every hour to two hours in the beginning, all of that eventually paid off and I’m so so so glad it ended up working. It’s the end of the breastfeeding era and I’m sad but also ready to move on…ready to wear shirts and dresses that don’t have to be taken off at any point in the day to pump or feed. I’m wearing a real bra right now- a REAL one!! Not a nursing tank or a nursing bra, but a regular one. It’s almost liberating. But I think about the breastfeeding journey and have to be thankful that Gabe put up with me and the hormones and the pumping. I have to thank him for going to the lactation consultant with me, for helping me most of the times we attempted and failed, for telling me, ‘He’ll get it eventually” even when I didn’t believe him. For cleaning the pump parts, for dealing with breastmilk like a champ and understanding my frustration with it all. I’m one lucky girl.

And I don’t have to haul that GD pump anywhere for a long time. It is cleaned, and put away in the basement, leaving me a free space to carry more stuff into work.

Sigh. I did the best I could, and am satisfied with the results.

Letter, month 6

almost 6 months

Dear Simon,

You are 6 months old, and so much has happened in just half a year. Time has sped up to fly 300 times faster than it did prior to your existence. Your personality shows through more each day. You’re a happy baby, and people remark about how happy you seem in public all the time. A stranger will smile at you and your face lights up like you just won the lottery. It’s so precious and I love to see how much joy you bring into others’ lives, even if only for a quick moment at the checkout in the grocery store.

This month we’ve had several “milestones”- the biggest one being food, or rice cereal. You had recently started watching us when we’re eating, and became very interested in this chewing/spoon to face thing we do. You stare at us while we eat, then stare at the plate, then us…concentrating very hard like you know we’re up to something…and thinking, “By the way, can I have some?!” You eat in your new high chair, and you’ve tried carrots, but still look at me like I’m crazy as I shovel it into your mouth- like, “What the hell is this crap?!” I made the carrots with my babyfood maker and I plan to try green beans next. Oh, the excitement of vegetables!!!

You have started turning to me and your dad and putting your arms up or out when you want be be picked up or held. It makes me feel so special that I’m a person you want to be around. Your dad and I take turns holding you when we get home from work. It’s like you’re the dessert to every work day. My very own whipped cream cherry on top.

With these milestones, you’re also getting better and better at sitting up on your own and also rolling over, particularly on soft surfaces like a bed or couch. You still flail your arms and legs about like a crazy person when you’re in the mood. It’s like you have two gears, FAST and STOPPED. You still love to be naked and squeal and smile when we take your clothes off of you at night. With all of this movement, bathtime has become more complicated, in that you want to roll over, or drink the water, or just scare the ever living shit out of me, I’m not sure which. Regardless, you also still love the bath- and I hate to say it but until we can keep your head above water without an extra set of hands in the tub,  bath time will be much shorter than it’s been in the past. You have mastered flipping yourself over from back to front, though you don’t really like being on your tummy so I’m not sure why you do it. You’ll flip, then realize you’re on your tummy, then whine. I can see that soon we will have a mobile little boy. That terrifies me.

You’re six months old and wearing 9 month old clothing for the most part, because you are a giant. I held our neighbor’s baby the other night, who’s only 7.2 pounds, not much smaller than you were when you were born, and I looked at this baby wondering how you were ever that small. I don’t remember it! It wasn’t that long ago, but you’ve grown in my arms and on my lap and snuggled at my chest so I can’t really remember it happening until I see your legs hanging off the side of the rocker as I rock you to sleep each night, and I wonder- how will we both fit on this thing in 3 more months?!

With the passing month you’ve gotten better at sleeping through the night, and you have (what I consider to be) three “lucky” pairs of pajamas that make it so. They are super warm and I’m convinced that they’re THE reason you’ve slept through the night. One pair has snowmen on them, the other stripes and a green dinosaur, and one blue pair with footballs all over it. One of these pairs of jammies will FOREVER be available through the winter time, as I’m certain they’re the reason you continue to sleep at least until 5am. They’re my personal “good luck charms”.

And then at 5am, I bring you back to our bed where I nurse you back to sleep for another hour, or two or three. Those moments are some of my favorites, though many more moments are being added to that list of favorites, since you have become so alert and curious about everything.

Tonight when I rocked you to sleep you were tracing my hand holding the bottle with your fingertips, and I would do the same back to you, softly and sweetly- and it was such a sweet little moment. And when we got you home from work I nursed you a bit and you looked up at me and started laughing, finding something hilarious about nursing?? I don’t know. But your ability to crack up over nothing just kills us. What will your sense of humor be like? Will you like corny jokes? I hope so. I love corny jokes. Your dad only likes dirty ones.

When I first started writing this letter, you were asleep in your bed. We’ve moved up your bedtime to 8-9 (depending on your mood) because you’ve started to get so fussy at night, it’s terrible. You go between slap-happy and crying over nothing so we put you in bed. You almost always immediately go to sleep, and when you don’t you just spend some time talking to yourself in your bed. But when I first started writing this, the house was completely silent- and I had your monitor next to me on the couch as I typed. Suddenly the loudest, scariest shriek came in like stereo-sound, both on the monitor and from upstairs. You and I were the only ones home at the moment. I swear I don’t even remember climbing the stairs, but I must have done it in two giant leaps. My heart was pumping so hard, I had never heard that sound come out of you before and I was immediately certain something was terribly wrong. When I got to your bed, your eyes were open for a moment, then closed again. Maybe you had a terrible dream? Oh my God I have never been that scared in my life. You have been a joyride so far, and we have had the luxury of not hearing you cry that much…and that shriek just about did my heart in. I stayed in your room and rocked you a bit, not that you needed it but I did. I had half a mind to put you in bed with me, more for my peace of mind than yours’. I never ever want you to be scared like that. That’s what your shriek sounded like, fear. It terrified me and my physical reaction to the whole (probably 30 second) thing amazed me. It’s like I’m programmed to protect you. It’s wild, and I hope that those adrenaline pumping moments are few and far between. Good God you nearly scared the pee out of me!

When we put you to bed, or down for a nap, you love to have the blanket over your face. It scares your dad and I a bit, and we check several times to make sure you’re not suffocating. But even if we pull the blanket down, you end up putting it right back over your face again as if to say, “Lights out! Time for bed.” You almost look forward to naps sometimes, rubbing the blanket on your face and smiling and giggling as we lay you down.

I’ve had a rough couple months- work has been crazy with being recently transferred, and then the news that I’m to be transferred again. Our landlord here offered us to buy the house we live in, and we investigated a bit and can’t quite afford it yet, which breaks my heart a little. You love this house, I love this house. We hope we can stay a bit longer- we’ll see how that goes. But at the end of any frantic day. any stressful day where my head is spinning from all the things I meant to get done and didn’t- I come home to you and you regulate me. You were the thing that was missing from my life up until August 4th 2009 and I had no idea until you came. You are my joy, my light, my favorite part of life. Happy six month birthday little Stinker butt. We love you.

xoxoxox

Mom

Photos

First taste of “solid food”

The doc gave the go-ahead, so here he is with his first taste of rice cereal.

This week

This week has been a doozy…week two of the “new job” and Simon’s dr. appointment today, and a big staff meeting at the buttcrackofdawn tomorrow morning.

Today was Simon’s “four month” appointment. We’re a little behind since Simon’s five and a half months old. It’s kind of nice though- I don’t know how I feel about vaccines completely, but I like the idea that he’s a month and a half older each time he gets a dose of the medicines. In my mind hes a bit bigger and stronger being just a little over the four month mark when they inject him with dead viruses. Sigh. Oh well. I can handle a fever and fussiness, I probably wouldn’t handle potential paralysis and/or death of my infant son very well. Regardless, it’s so hard to see him get pricked. Actually- I’ve not seen it happen yet. Gabe went with me the last time and was the bad guy “holding him down” while he got his shots. And today, I could feel the blood rushing from my head and giving me that pit-of-my-stomach nausea feeling as soon as we walked in the door, so I had to ask a nurse to please let me stand outside and I’d rush in to be the savior when it was over. I’m not always so good with needles.

Today Simon weighed 19.6 pounds and was 26 a 3/4 inches long! He’s in the 90th percentile for weight (again) and the 75th percentile for height. His head size jumped from 50th percentile to 75th, but I think that’s because of his head shape- and the last nurse who measured it (at the two month appointment) didn’t seem to measure right in my opinion. Regardless, his head is the right size for his body- even if it’s a little misshapen (you can thank your dad’s genes for that, Simon).

The doctor said we’re good to go if we want to start giving him food, so that’ll be the next thing on the list. I’m excited to see how he reacts to that. I think he’ll like it since he’s taking an obvious interest in anything we’re putting in our mouths- and has even followed the trail of my spoon with his mouth open like a baby bird while I was eating ice cream. I’ll be sure to post pictures of his first impression of food. He sucks down the Rotovirus vaccine like it’s candy- and anything else for that matter. He likes food. I’m excited to break out my babyfood maker and start whipping up some good veggies and fruits for him. I think it will be good for us too, since I’ll likely make it out of the food that I also make for us.

The doctor was also impressed by Simon’s ability to pull things to his mouth (namely his pacifier) and how he can sit up halfway unattended. She said that his swaying side to side motion (while sitting up) was a 7 month old skill so I was all proud of my “advanced” child. I suppose it’s good he can move that body since it’s so big! When he was laying down and started his typical running-man moves she said, “He’s a mover!” I have to agree. I’m terrified of when he starts becoming more mobile because he seems to have two gears- Park (or sleep) and SUPER FAST.

And when he got his shots he barely cried this time, and even was smiley at the nurse afterwards. Now last time he got the shots he was sleepy the first day and extremely crabby the next- so I’m prepared for the fussiness tomorrow. Right now he’s sleeping so I haven’t seen him since I got home from work since his bedtimes are creeping up to the 8-8:30 range, which is kind of a bummer. But I’m glad he’s getting sleep. And I’m still glad I get those sweet moments in the early morning with him in our bed. I know, I’m creating a bad habit by bringing him in our bed at 5 or 6am but he’s awake, and smiling and making noise….when I bring him into our bed he goes right back to sleep. And I love sleep. So much. So so much.

So I should go to bed soon because tomorrow will come quick I’m sure. There’s a big big meeting and I would hate to be late to it. And I just pray that Simon behaves during the whole thing! Maybe he’ll sleep through it???? Ha! Doubtful!

on Reading.

This post was somewhat inspired by another blogger I read…though I don’t really answer her questions, it got me thinking….

As most of you know, I’m a librarian. As such, the natural assumption is that I’m a voracious reader, and I’m well-read. I think a lot of people assume that librarians are typically the quiet type, who sit at home and read every spare moment they get- and I suppose sometimes that’s true. However, I am not one of those “types”. In my new position, getting settled in with a larger group of librarians, I want to know what everyone reads. Being constantly exposed to more books than one  could imagine sets a person up to choose whatever they like- and see things they never knew they might like. It’s by and large one of the reasons I chose this profession, to be exposed to things that startle and amuse- to pick those things up and page through them to see if it would strike my fancy. Sometimes I surprise myself, and more often than not, when asked “what do you read?” I say, “Nonfiction.”

In library school, for the most part I wasn’t given a list of books to read. There are too many books for librarians (or anyone who works in a library for that matter) to recommend. There are lists of classics, lists of mysteries, lists of bestsellers and lists for just about any genre one could imagine. And with these lists, there are specialists who HAVE read every book on that list- and thank God for them, because those are the people I turn to, who can recommend books to those patrons who as for “age-appropriate adult fantasy for a fifth grader” ?! So as I settle into the new group, people have asked me what I read, I’ve replied with Nonfiction, and I’ve been wondering why I have navigated to this genre- since I spent the better part of my youth floating around in wonderful fiction stories and books. Why Nonfiction now? Am I just a boring nerd (as Gabe would say)?

In library school for a Young Adult literature class my professor assigned us to write our Reading History. Start with your earliest memory of learning to read, and go from there throughout your reading life, ending in the present. It was fascinating to do, and I need to find that paper. Though I don’t really need the paper to remember- but forcing myself to delve into my own reading history told me alot about my own reading habits, and also about my childhood and adolescence- how I used books to escape, to pass time, to be someone I wasn’t, to have control over my exposure to new things (my parents never censored what I read like they did the tv). And from learning to read from flash cards my mom made when I was 2 years old, progressing through to series fiction like The Boxcar Children, then regular fiction like Toby Tyler or Eight Weeks with the Circus, to Catcher in the Rye and eventually Stephen King and Dean Koontz, I read a lot as a kid, not as much as a teenager, and then returned to books as an adult when I was unhappy — again to escape. There are the books that stick with you- the ones you remember crying at the end and feeling like a fool in public as you do so, the ones that strike a chord and you feel the need to pass it along to one friend or another…and through all of this thinking about my Reading History, I’ve drawn some conclusions as to how I ended up reading mainly nonfiction these days.

I’ve had some tremendous storytellers in my life. Mainly my dad and his family, who tell stories aloud that will make you laugh until your sides hurt. Mainly the stories are about family history of he and his brothers on the farm. But I remember as a child going to bed and he would come to the bedroom to say good night and I would ask him to TELL me a story dad, don’t read it- TELL it, because he was a magnificent on-the-spot story-teller. I wish so much I had remembered each one or tried to write them down. He could plant a visual image of a forest or two “squirrel friends” into my young head within seconds. He was amazing.

I’ve also read a tremendous amount of stories- good ones. All of those wonderful fiction books as a kid and young adult- and even the few I’ve found in adulthood (Pat Conroy, Natalie Goldberg to name my two favorites)… they’re amazing storytellers. However- I can’t remember the stories. They don’t stay in my head. I can tell you that book was good, or that one was excellent- but I can’t remember (unless I’ve just finished it) why I liked it so much. Much like movies, it’s either good or not worth the time. Nothing more sinks in.

So as an adult and I linger in the nonfiction stacks of the library, I’ve come to realize that I want truth. I love a good story as much as the next person but anyone can tell a story- not everyone can tell a GOOD story- but I must really like your voice in order to read what you’ve written. And as an adult I appreciate the dirty ugly truthful stories more than anything else. We all have those inner feelings that we don’t want exposed, so I tend to like memoirs that do just that, expose the author so I feel close to them, like they’re sharing their dirty laundry sotospeak.

I also like nonfiction because I tend to remember the facts that I get from these books. The facts seem useful in some way to life- whether I’m reading about the food industry, parenting, politics, or history- those things stick because they’re real. They’re fascinating to me because they’re concrete facts. I read with an open mind and recognize that the author is not God, the author is the voice telling me the facts- but for some reason I’m just drawn to the truth in these books. I guess for now I’m tired of stories.

But having a baby makes me think of how he’ll remember his first reading experiences. We read books- I let him touch them and drool on them, and eventually I know he’ll rip out the pages and color on them…much to a “collector’s” dismay (Gabe and I both have collections we love). But I want Simon to experience books in the same way I did, to use them however he needs/wants to…I hope that ends up happening.

But I’m always meaning to share the books I read with others. The truth is, I rarely finish a book cover to cover. I have the guts to drop it if it doesn’t grab me, which is a good and bad trait all at once. There are a few that I haven’t given up on yet- because I believe eventually the story will enlighten me. I keep those on the shelf and pull them out on days off or vacations.

So I just encourage other people to think about reading in the same way, not just what do you read, but WHY? It’s pretty interesting to go through your Reading History too. I’m glad that working where I’m at is forcing me to revisit this.

(steps off soapbox)

If this doesn’t make you smile just a little…

You may be made of evil on the inside.

Videos

Simon, five months old, with a cold.

Right before we put Simon to bed, sometimes we strip him down and let him play on our bed. He loves it!

Not entirely baby related

So I recently (as of Monday) switched jobs. My title is the same, but the location has changed. And with the location change, a million other changes have also happened. And I would like to state for the record, that having a baby (particularly a “surprise!” baby) will prepare you for any other change in the world I think. My resume states something saying how I “actively handle change” in a positive way…and I don’t know if that was entirely true until now. Strange how personal life changes can effect your professional life, huh.

Before/Right when I got pregnant, I wasn’t very happy in my job. I think a lot of it had to do with my own misconceptions of what was going on, and another big part of it had to do with hormones and just being pissed off about my entire life situation. I needed something to be frustrated with, so I picked work. I didn’t feel like I could change anything and I felt stuck. That’s the worst feeling in the world. I truly don’t think it was the job so much as my own personal outlook on everything at the time. My negative feelings in general (at home) seeped into the other major part of my life (work) and it was contagious and toxic negativity. I feel bad for people who had to be around me for 9 months. I was miserable, and I know it. The people I worked with accepted it, and were still great to work with despite my suckiness. They didn’t fire me. They probably should have. I couldn’t see any light at the end of any tunnel. I have to assume that my boss saw that it wasn’t really ME being that way, because they let me stick around and even threw me a party. I mean, how freakin’ lucky can a person get?

The “jist” from what I can tell, starting with pregnancy and ending…well never I guess, is that as soon as you get used to one thing, get into the groove and know how to handle it- it changes. It was so as my belly grew larger, as my maternity leave ended, and as the child goes from a cold, to possibly teething, to lordknowswhatelse can go wrong or throw a wrench into your day to day plans. I knew that having a baby would change my outlook in that my priorities would shift- however I had no idea how it would make my tolerance level for BS get higher, how envious I would be of mothers at storytimes with their babies, how quickly I can jump into a task- AND how quickly I can forget what I was doing just 5 minutes prior. Everything’s different now- at work and at home, and I like it.

The new location has given me more responsibility in certain respects, and less in others. And I have to say that it’s also given me a new (even better) impression of the organization for which I work- because I see how they really do want their employees to grow and learn, and to not get bored. They want us to feel challenged, and that’s part of the reason I went into the field of Library Science. However, I know that not all libraries hold lifelong learning in the same regard that our organization does- and for that I’m truly thankful. Additionally, I’m getting to know more people and it’s like I can FEEL the synapses in my brain firing more often- or at least building new connections as I learn new things…not just the what and the where- but the HOW. I like that. I like what I”m doing. It’s different, it’s challenging, and I know it’s not permanent. Nothing is. However, I’m so thankful for the opportunity to grow with this organization and really understand how people end up staying with it for as long as they do. Things change. And if you can handle the changes and learn from them, it makes you a better person.I honestly feel that this organization cares more about their staff than most any other place I’ve worked before (Starbucks being another one). When an employee feels valued, they stick around, and they stick things out. I feel like they care. So even if they don’t, I feel like they do- so I’m going to learn as much as I can wherever they need me. How’s THAT for flexibility?!

So for the last three days I’ve been doing something completely different. It’s not easy, and I feel like the new kid at school. I’m nervous and I over analyze everything I said and did at the end of each day with the kind of nervous self consciousness that I’m not used to- but it’s good. I feel like I’m learning and changing. I feel like I’m outside the hamster wheel and feeling my way around. I get to ask questions and make new friends. I hope they like me.

So after these days when I’m nervous and anxious and wondering if soandso is mad because I didn’t notice the ruckus first, or if soandso thinks the comment I made was rude or inappropriate…I come home to my family and tell Gabe all the things I learned, and I play with Simon, and then eventually my head hits the pillow for a few hours before the baby wakes up and needs me.

It’s a good life I’ve got right now. And not a day goes by that I don’t sit and appreciate that. Sure, things piss me off now and then, and I’m not on cloud nine or anything like that- but I can’t say that I would change anything for now. Even the weather hasn’t gotten me down because being trapped at home is the best place to be trapped in my opinion.  So I just wanted to note that Changes Happen, and I handle them better than ever, and I’m everso thankful that I’m getting the opportunities I’m getting in my work. Part of me thinks that 2010 might just be my year.